The Power of Prayer

The last time I really tried to get something out of prayer was about a year ago. I was alone in a hotel room, getting ready for Military Entrance Processing (MEPS). That’s the thing about prayer- in order for me to have a meaningful experience with it, I have to have some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, that’s a commodity in my house and my kids would rather I don’t get any.

It seems to me that Mormons and others who believe in prayer believe that prayer can make things happen. You offer lots of prayers with lots of faith and somehow, God decides that you exercised enough faith and you are deserving and makes your wishes come true. It sounds exhausting, doesn’t it? I think most believers would agree with you. So how does prayer work? In my experience, I’m not sure it does. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that prayer has value insofar as it is used as a form of meditation and to create unity (group prayer) but there is nothing I have gotten out of prayer alone that I couldn’t get from something else. Praying over and over and over and over for something to happen didn’t work for me. When I was out of work, my prayers didn’t get me a job. I found myself a job by doing dozens of job applications every week and doing my best in interviews. When I applied to dental school, no amount of prayer could buy off the admissions committee to let in an out-of-stater. When it came down to it, I got into dental school because I called twice a week and had a solid interview and application. Praying doesn’t make me get good grades in school. Studying gets me the grades I deserve. And praying definitely doesn’t make the teachers more merciful when it comes time to grade. Maybe if I prayed to them directly it would make a difference, but that’s sacrilegious.

I admire those who have burning faith that good will come no matter what and I respect those who have meaningful experiences with prayer. If you have something meaningful to share, please do so. I think I would like to have an oral relationship with God again. I just got tired of him giving me the cold shoulder.

1978 – Jimmy Carter vs. the Mormons

My parents both remember the historic announcement that the Mormon church had finally decided that it was OK to ordain any worthy man to the priesthood. Since Brigham Young’s times, the church placed a ban on ordaining black men to the priesthood, nevermind the fact that Joseph Smith authorized Elijah Abel’s ordination back in the day (by some reports, Brother Abel didn’t really look black- but other accounts reflect the knowledge that he was a negro). This policy change is significant because it opened the way for me to later serve my mission in the Dominican Republic. When I was a teenager, I remember my father and a family friend frequently debating the ins and outs of the priesthood ban as they tried to reconcile the obvious problems with that unsavory tidbit of Mormon history.

I suppose some percentage of Mormons believe that God really did want to deny the priesthood to black people until 1978. I don’t know what was so magical about that year. Maybe it was because Stevie Wonder won the 5th American Music Award that year. Maybe it’s because in 1978 Harriet Tubman was the first black woman to appear on a postage stamp. Let’s face it, folks, 1978 was the biggest year in black history since they ended segregation. So why were the Mormons so behind the times in the policy of segregating the priesthood by race? I am convinced that the ban was a mistake  in the first place. Most blacks were slaves and therefore, property, back in the early days of the church, so it was easier to come up with an excuse to deny them power and authority in the church without the Mormons trying to solve the problem of civil rights in the USA. But why did they take so long to reverse the policy? I heard a rumor that David O. McKay wanted to reverse the ban back in the 60s but Harold B. Lee or somebody else shot him down. I think Jimmy Carter had something to do with the revelation coming forth in 1978. Word on the street is that Jimmy Carter didn’t like the fact that Mormons were getting tax breaks while they were denying blacks ordination to the priesthood based on race alone. Miraculously, the revelation came just in time and the church was saved- by a Catholic Democrat who had the guts to threaten racial bigotry in the name of religion.

I Don’t Know That We Teach it

“I don’t know that we emphasize it” – Gordon B. Hinckley

I cried buckets when I watched the televised funeral of the church’s former president of the church. He had been my prophet for almost as long as I could remember so it was a big deal when Thomas Monson took his place. My feelings changed, however, when I learned that on national television, Gordon got squirrely about answering simple, straightforward questions regarding Mormon teachings. When Larry King asked about polygamy, Hinckley brushed the topic aside, saying it was done and gone, a thing of the past. He neglected to mention that we still espouse the doctrine insofar as a man can be sealed to multiple women, making them available later for his heavenly harem. President Hinckley was smart to answer in the way he did- it was smart for the media response, but not so smart when it comes to maintaining integrity as a true prophet. What hurt more was when TIME magazine asked him what the Mormons thought about man’s potential to become like God (one of the most uniquely Mormon doctrines dating back to the time of Joseph Smith). Hinckley’s response: “I don’t know that we teach it. I don’t know that we emphasize it. I haven’t heard it discussed in a long time.” (quote not exact)

So let me get this straight: the leader of the Mormon church tells the media that he’s not sure if Mormons believe in becoming like God like it’s some mystery. Our missionaries tell people that they can sign up for godhood if they get baptized and remain faithful. Puzzling, isn’t it? Once again, Hinckley catered to the media and threw integrity under the bus.

I like to follow the prophet. So when my son asks me something I don’t want to answer (example: can we have ice cream for dinner?) my answer: “I don’t know that we teach it. I don’t know that we emphasize it.” His response: “But we DO teach it and we DO emphasize it.” My son turns 4 in a few weeks and he already can quote the prophets.

The Caractor of Joseph Smith

Over Christmas last year, I had the pleasure of reading the entire collected journals of Joseph Smith from my in-laws library. At the time I had a fairly negative view of ol’ Joe and I considered that if I read the man’s personal writings, I might really figure out what I thought of the man, both as a man and as a self-proclaimed prophet. I’ll start with the positive. Joseph genuinely appeared to care a great deal about building Zion and taking care of his family. So I’m convinced that he wanted to be a good father to his children and a good husband to Emma. Joe and I have this in common: we both believe in building Zion. Ironically, I actually spent more time in Jackson County Missouri than he did, but that’s beside the point.

Here are some other observations I made: Joseph’s voice in his journal rather resembles that of the Doctrine and Covenants and other official church documents. I’m not making any conclusions here, but the resemblance is worth mentioning. As for how Joseph interacted with others, he frequently disagreed with the brethren over matters of doctrine and otherwise. Most church issues were settled by popular vote, including on the organization of the rapidly evolving priesthood in Kirtland. Joseph was not the kind of guy you wanted to have a falling out with. When he cut you off, you were basically a mortal enemy. But Joseph was remarkably forgiving- if you admitted that you were completely wrong and agreed to follow him again. You could literally spit in his face and call him a charlatan one day and be excommunicated, then apologize and be rebaptized the next day. There are several instances in his journal of this happening.

The big question about Joseph for me is always is one of honesty. Since he deceived most people with regards to polygamy and embellished the first vision accounts over the years, I always ask myself how much of what he said was true and how much of it was a fabrication? I absolutely believe Joseph’s the first account of Joseph’s first first vision. I think I am inclined to believe that he had more than a healthy dose of sneakiness within his soul. Regardless, I am convinced that all he really wanted was to build Zion, and that he would do anything to realize that goal. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if he didn’t have the Nauvoo Expositor destroyed and was able to escape the tumult in Nauvoo and avoid getting killed by the mob. I wonder how different Mormonism today would be without Brigham Young taking over when he did. I’ll leave that to those with a talent for writing fiction. The bottom line is that “No man knows my history”. Yet everyone seems to act as if they do.

I Used to be Fast

As a kid, I remember attending an inner city ward building that was a converted Catholic church. White members were a minority in that ward, which I think was kind of neat. We had hispanics, blacks and the Samoans who had traveled to Kansas City to build the new Jerusalem. I still remember when the bishop had to bail the primary president out of jail one Christmas. Anyways, that’s not the point of this story. The story is that when I was 7 or 8, our teacher gave a lesson about fasting. “So what does fasting mean?” Adriana, the cute Mexican girl I had a big crush on says “It means to run fast?” I think I used to know what fasting means, but since I stopped doing it about a year ago, I’m not so sure. I think it used to mean that you stopped eating for two meals so that you could enter an enhanced spiritual state that was more conducive to receiving God’s revelations. You pay a generous fast offering to help the poor and then God blesses you. In the years past, I was convinced that paying a generous fast offering really did yield measurable temporal dividends. I observed that on my mission, every time I payed a generous fast offering I always seemed to end up with a positive balance on my card at the end of the month.

I used to be proud of the self-discipline I exercised by fasting. It was murder the first time I tried it at age 9, but with a few years practice I was a pro. I believed that not only did it benefit me spiritually and the poor temporally, but that it was an excellent practice for my health as well. I would have to revisit the literature on fasting in order to really make a conclusion now, but that’s what I used to believe.

So what is my life like now that I don’t fast? Fast Sundays are much easier! Instead of being impossibly grouchy around my kids, I eat when I need to and my kids yield the dividends of a Daddy who is not “hangry”. Instead of paying a generous fast offering, I give what I have of my time and money when I can to people/causes that I deem appropriate. What about my health? I am currently on a diet and doing very well, thanks, without fasting.

The big question in my mind is if fasting really enhances spirituality. I remember fasting one time at age 18 to figure out if I should try and marry my pre-mission girlfriend. I remember feeling…”positively” (whatever that means!) during the experience and convincing myself that she was the one. But it didn’t work out. I guess I used to think that whatever conclusion you came to while fasting must be the right one because that’s what they teach you in church. I can’t positively recall an experience where fasting really gave me a meaningful revelation. There was one time on my mission that my companion and I fasted that a certain family we were teaching would come to church. After denying ourselves the pleasure of a late-night sandwich Saturday and a bowl of cereal on Sunday, the family we were teaching miraculously showed up for church a half hour after Sunday school began! Since the goal was achieved, I quickly went to the water cooler to refresh myself. My companion was shocked and dismayed. My reply: “We got them here didn’t we? I’m THIRSTY.” This family was not baptized. Maybe if I had enough faith to refrain from drinking a glass of water until the 24-hour period was up, they would have been married in the temple and be full-tithe payers in their ward. So maybe I just never really did the whole fasting thing correctly. If you had a verifiable and meaningful experience with fasting, please reply and share it with me. I never did.

The Cafeteria Tastes Great

Faithful members of the church use the term “Cafeteria Mormon” to pejoratively refer to those who refuse to conform to “every word coming forth from the mouth of [the church]”. (Matthew 4:4) I used to be the best Pharisee in the church. In my house, the Sabbath was for churchy stuff that was it. No skipping church EVER. Family prayer/scriptures every day. No cursing. No R-rated movies. No speaking ill of the Lord’s anointed. No immodesty. Sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?

Now, I pick and choose what I want to do. I don’t read my scriptures any more, rarely pray, do whatever I want on Sundays and I only wear garments when I want to. Most times I only wear the bottom part. I drop curse words if I feel like it and I watch whatever movies I want. And it is great. Did I mention that I don’t pay tithing? My finances have never been better.

How did I make the change? It started in stages. I observed carefully after I stopped paying tithing. Part of me expected calamity to arise at any moment. But it never came. I thought that I would feel flustered and out of sync with myself after not reading my scriptures or praying. But I actually observed no change at all. In fact, I would say that I have an easier time following my inner voice now that I don’t have the scriptures telling me what to do.

The only thing I am really missing out on is going to the temple with my wife. Since I don’t pay tithing and don’t believe all the things I am supposed to, I don’t qualify for a temple recommend. The temple is a whole other topic, but for now I can accept that. Maybe someday I will straighten up so I can go back to the temple. But for now, I am loving the cafeteria approach to Mormonism.

Who’s next on the chopping block?

After the disappointment of fellow dental professional, Carson Calderwood and his wife Marisa, I have wondered just what it would take for my local leaders to excommunicate me, too. The irony is that Carson was a much better member of the church than I ever was and that he probably valued his membership more than I do, as well. But our doubts and concerns are the same. Maybe writing this blog will be the beginning of the end for me, too. So if the Strengthening Church Members Committee is reading this, bring it on. “If you spit in the air, it lands in your face.” Truer words were never spoken by any Jew, on the stage or in reality.

The Disappearing Shelf Act

A year ago, I experienced what I would call a crisis of faith. For my entire life, I had accepted the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the gospel truth and no one could make me believe otherwise. In spite of my unwavering testimony, I had a collection of confusing, mysterious and paradoxical issues that I placed on a figurative “shelf” in order to avoid thinking about them too much. My shelf included issues such as Brigham Young’s Adam-God doctrine, polygamy, multiple first vision accounts, the second anointing and the ban on ordaining blacks to the priesthood. On my shelf you could find a few tidbits from the Book of Mormon (like how the Jaredite barges were supposed to make it at sea for almost a year with all those people and animals) but those problems carried very little weight for me. All this changed when I realized that the Book of Mormon painted a picture of 19th-century Christianity with the Bible and other contemporary sources as the backdrop. That is precisely when the shelf disappeared and the contents came crashing down. For 10 years the Book of Mormon had been the foundation of my testimony. I believed it was the word of God because reading it made me want to do what God’s prophets said I should do. For the first time, I really began to doubt it was true. “Just as the arch crumbles if the keystone is removed, so does all the Church stand or fall with the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon.” (The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion,”Ensign, Nov. 1986, 5, 6.) “And great was the fall of it.” (Matthew 7:27)

The fact is, my shelf had been slowly disappearing for a few years before I learned the hard truth about church history. Once I became an adult, I realized that the answers to life questions came most meaningfully from myself, and not from the canned answers I learned at church. As an adult, I realized that I actually got very little out of scripture study. I realized that not attending church was really nice sometimes. Most of all, I began to feel that God was not always there for me. During the year preceding my crisis of faith, I had been living away from home for the first time ever (besides my mission) and I thought that the plan I had in mind to seek my fortune was the same plan that God had for me. I moved to a new place with a potential job and I though everything would be perfect- because both myself and my wife felt that God had told us it was what we should do. In retrospect, I remember praying together and mostly just being thrilled with the prospect of really getting out on our own in a new, exciting place, so it probably wasn’t a bona fide revelation. Back to my story, the truth is that the potential job didn’t work out and all my plans seemed to be falling apart. And I began to accept that it was my fault, not God’s. If it was God’s plan, then I’m not impressed. If he really wanted me to keep my faith 100% intact, he should never have let me go out on my own. If it wasn’t God’s plan, then my problems are my fault and I can go about working out the solution myself. Once I stopped blaming God for my life problems, I could accept that he wasn’t responsible for the problems in Mormonism.

The irony of it all was that the church provided much-needed financial support in my time of need- because I was a faithful member of the church and I qualified for it. So while I eschew much of Mormonism’s doctrine, I can personally testify to the benefits of membership in the Mormon community. So while I believe that Mormonism is essentially like any other church, the fact is that it is my church, and my community. For now, I will do my best to serve those within my community while I seek the truth about, well, everything.