If It Isn’t True, Then What DOES Matter?

Losing my faith in the veracity of the Mormon restoration story changed my perspective about pretty much everything. In the space of a few months, I went from making daily deposits into my celestial 401(k) to questioning everything I had learned in my 25 years of life on planet earth. In some ways, losing faith makes life simpler since you are free to choose for yourself without having to conform to centuries of complicated religious precedent. In other ways, losing faith is scary because it places the entire burden of making the most of your life upon you alone, without any holy angels to come and bail you out if you screw up. I don’t truly identify with either of these extremes, but I wobble somewhere between the two, depending on what challenges come my way.

As I’ve detailed in previous posts, I am finding some real social comforts in the Mormon community and that is something to celebrate. After a year of wondering if I could make it as a doubting Mormon, I have my answer. But that still doesn’t make Mormonism true. It still doesn’t make the Book of Mormon historically accurate. It still doesn’t make prayer any more spiritual than it was (or wasn’t) before. And it still doesn’t feel right to talk with believing Mormons about why I don’t believe.

Maybe Mormonism isn’t the issue- maybe I’m still coming to grips with the fact that I’m just not a very open person. I’ve always been an introvert and I don’t see myself suddenly volunteering my life story to everyone I meet. But I need someone to talk to, preferably someone who knows a thing or two about what I’m going through.

I can’t believe that God and his son would appear to Joseph Smith and that Joseph would forget for over 10 years that it wasn’t just Jesus that was there, but God as well. I don’t believe that the Book of Mormon is a historical record, although it clearly has spiritual value in spite of its many flaws. I can’t believe that God inspired Joseph to practice polygamy and polyandry the way that he did, although I think it’s possible that Utah polygamy could have been inspired by God. I despise the way correlation is implemented in the church and I’m tired of hearing the same correlated messages at church over and over again, beaten into the ground like a dead horse. And I will never believe that the human family must of necessity participate in a neo-masonic ceremony in order to enjoy celestial bliss.

If it isn’t true, then it still matters to do my best every day, to become my best self. I’m still trying to figure out who that is, but I am just as interested in discovering my potential as I was as a true believing Mormon. So why participate in Mormonism at all? I still have a firm belief in the power of ritual to bind people and families together. So while I don’t believe there’s anything mysterious or magical about sacrament meeting or family home evening, there is something meaningful about being in the same place at the same time with the same people regularly to do something together. “It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.” Nothing is more important to me than the relationships I have with my family and friends. So I guess the reason I feel the need to remain active in Mormonism is because I’m afraid to hurt or change those relationships. I guess the reason I’m afraid to be completely open about my problems with the church is that I’m afraid that those I love will respond in a way that I’m not ready to handle. I’m afraid of being treated like an outcast or an infectious disease. I’m afraid of being judged. The sad part is that if I was in their shoes, I would probably wouldn’t take it very well. I guess that someday I will have to give them the benefit of the doubt unless I want to keep my faithlessness under wraps for time and all eternity.

In The Church and Of The Church

As a missionary in an extremely Christian country, evangelical types always irritated us with assertions like “We ARE the church” and “we’re ALL prophets”. The manual for Mormon Missionaries, Preach My Gospel, clearly states that missionaries should teach that the church is an organization and that in Mormonism, prophets are God’s one and only mouthpiece for the church- so we can’t all be prophets, at least not in that sense. Since that time, my own definitions for words like church and prophet have become much more like the definitions put forth by my evangelical friends. So while in some ways I consider myself to be in the church and not of the church, last Sunday proved to me that I really am both in the church and of the church.

Last time I wrote about a testimony meeting, I felt like I had nothing in common with my fellow Mormons. At that time, I really didn’t know very many people besides my classmates from dental school, so I was a much a stranger to those around me as they were to me. Now, I have a responsibility and I’ve had the chance to learn a few names and match them with faces. Much to my surprise, I knew every single person who spoke in Sunday’s meeting. What’s more than simply matching a name with a face, I could tell you about what’s going on in their life; when they mentioned the struggles they were going through, I knew exactly what those struggles were. I’ve only been with my current congregation since the beginning of the year, but I finally feel like part of a family. While that doesn’t change the problems I have with Mormonism, my identity within the Mormon community has never been stronger.

Mormonism found a place in my heart when I discovered my own spirituality as a teenager. During that time, I valued the spiritual dividends of church membership more than the benefits of being part of that community. Today, the tables are turned. While I am not a very spiritual person, I absolutely value the community. At the same time, last Sunday I felt blessed to be a part of enhancing the spirituality of the meeting. Before I started playing the organ, the bishop asked me if I could get the organ to play softer for the prelude music. We both agreed that playing too loudly encouraged everyone to try and talk over the organ, which made it difficult for them to calm down before the meeting. After a few minutes of playing quiet prelude music, the talking stopped altogether. The calm within the chapel was palpable. I had truly forgotten what it was like to get to church early and to just sit and listen to the music. So for those few moments before the meeting started, I was able to experience a deep moment of spirituality for the first time in a long time. Although I don’t expect my point of view regarding Mormon history to change, I am developing an appetite for spirituality in my life. After all, that’s how I got serious about Mormonism in the first place.

In The Church But Not Of The Church

I’ve always been amused by reading the “advertisements” for upcoming sermons at the various churches. Yesterday, while riding the bus, I saw this one:

CH_ _CH

WHAT’S MISSING?

U R!

Ironically, such a probing question doesn’t actually apply to me since I am (at least statistically) a fully active member of the church and I haven’t missed a Sunday in months. But the attitude behind the question deserves examination. It seems like the general attitude in the Christian religion is that the church = good and the world = bad. In other words, the general idea is that if we go to church and do what they tell us to, we will always be safe. Those outside of the church are living in spiritual danger and openly oppose God. I suppose it’s only human to demonize our enemies and canonize our heroes. What’s worse is that Mormons are bombarded with messages about the evils of the world from trusted church leaders at every general conference and other meetings. Any good Mormon knows that since the world is bad and that Mormons must strive to avoid worldly influences like moral relativism, secularism, feminism, humanism and probably a few other isms I can’t think of right now. So how can you live in the world without somehow distancing yourself from those who are “of” the world? Have you ever met a religious fanatic who touted his or her moral superiority? Mormons are definitely at risk for this behavior. I’m afraid I have the opposite problem. I embrace feminism, moral realism, humanism and also hedonism. But I firmly identify as being “in” the church as part of the community. How can I remain within Mormonism without making faithful Mormons uncomfortable with my refusal to conform? What do I say when Bro. Smith tells me about his teenage son who doesn’t have a testimony and isn’t sure he wants to serve a mission? How should I react when someone asks me question about church doctrine? And what in the world will I say when they ask me to teach a lesson in church? Do I tell them what I actually think and feel or would it be more charitable and responsible (and certainly less worldly) to recite the official rhetoric endorsed by the church? Thanks heavens I don’t have to worry about being dragged into tithing settlement or a worthiness interview. I hope that when it comes time to baptize my son that the bishop will have the discernment to appreciate my commitment and integrity and allow me to perform the ordinance in spite of my lack of faith.

Last Sunday, an optometrist gave a talk about the “how” of being in the world without partaking of its evils. First of all, he spouted some ridiculous ideas about how optometry is more complicated and interesting than dentistry. With that in mind, some of his comments probably went in one ear and out the other. I really took issue when he quoted Hugh Nibley on the subject of rhetoric. According to the incredible Mr. Nibley, rhetoric is bad and is a tool of the devil. Too bad I don’t actually believe in old Lucifer or the good doctor might have succeeded at persuading me. The story goes that rhetoric is bad because it uses persuasion for evil purposes. I guess Joseph Smith was wrong about the powers of persuasion being the right way to get people to do what you want. And I also suppose that anything Joseph said that was wrong that succeeded in persuading the rest of us to believe is rhetoric. So we can conclude that Joseph Smith used the powers of the devil to deceive the children of men. Wait, what just happened?! Don’t get me wrong, Nibley is a really cool dead dude, but rhetoric is not all bad, and if it is then the church is just as bad as “the world” in their use of it. Furthermore, the church-sponsored apologetic blog, FAIRMormon, is purely rhetorical in nature. While I concede that conspiring individuals and organizations can (and do) use rhetoric for bad, rhetoric also has power for good. The truth is that the church itself uses rhetoric both for good and bad. So don’t trample me for using my moral relativism to declare that rhetoric is not inherently good or evil.

I sometimes ask myself if I am a hypocrite for participating in church without outing myself as a doubter. In Greek, a hypocrite refers to a play actor. Am I pretending to be something I’m not? As far as I can perceive, all I am doing is showing up to play the music and enjoying social interactions with my friends and neighbors. Maybe it’s not me tricking them, but they may naively jump to the conculsion that everybody at church has a testimony the size of the Great Salt Lake. And maybe I’m just as naive for assuming that I’m the only doubter.

So far, I have been successful at navigating life in the church even though my personal convictions only partially overlap with church teachings. Until now, it seems like the only thing everybody really cares about is that I show up. If their expectations are really that low, then I will be fine. But if they ever treat me like a project then they will have to come up with rhetoric that even Hugh Nibley would be proud of.