What I Believed In Doesn’t Exist

I recently had a discussion with someone close to me about why exactly I fell from grace- that is, why I found myself no longer able to believe in God or Mormonism. I had explained this issue to her before but I still felt that she didn’t really understand my position. Granted, it’s hard to understand what it’s like to lose your faith unless you’ve gone through it. Nonetheless, I’ll try to give you the tl;dr version of it. I spent 10 years believing in a God that I later realized simply doesn’t exist. I started really believing in God because I found that when I payed, prayed and obeyed, everything worked out really well. I realize now that the God I believed in was comprised of 1) a consistent, effective routine 2) an excellent support system and 3) luck.

I also used to believe in the Holy Ghost. I believed that my feelings could tell me what I needed to do and that if those feelings were telling me to do “good” or “Mormon” things, that it was definitely inspiration from heaven. I realize now that much of the time I was simply practicing mindfulness and regulating the emotion of elevation. I don’t deny that sometimes I experience feelings of transcendence that I can’t explain. But just because I feel “the spirit” while I listen to Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet Overture doesn’t mean it’s true. And having felt the emotion of elevation while practicing mindfulness while reading the Book of Mormon doesn’t mean that I have to make excuses for all the anachronisms and other problems in the Book of Mormon.

More than one of my family members has challenged my relationship to Jesus. The truth is, as a believing Mormon, my connection to Jesus was more of an incidental one than something fundamental to my belief. What was really important for me was the Holy Ghost. It always made sense to me that as a mere mortal, I didn’t have direct access to the Father or the Son, so I had to use the middle man like everybody else. Only now, as I’ve spent several months working for a non-denominational Christian church, do I realize that Mormons claim to be the most Christ-centered church without real evidence to support their claim. In other churches, Jesus is all they talk about. They spend their sermons and dollars focused on doing what they believe Christ would do if he was on their committees and boards. Contrast this with Mormonism where we talk about stuff like how families are forever if you pay/pray/obey and how you need to get a testimony of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith and be prepared to make excuses for all of the problems with both of them. It’s much harder to find fault with Jesus’ character and actions than it is to defend the historicity and anachronisms of the Book of Mormon. And I won’t even begin to try and defend Joseph Smith. And yet, I’m not convinced Jesus was divine. I suppose I consider him a prophet and a cool philosopher. But I don’t believe that There Is Power In The Blood.

The greatest weakness in any testimony I used to have is that I never had anything to compare with. Of course Mormonism seems true when it’s the only church you’ve ever attended. Of course Mormonism seems true when all of your friends and family for generations tell you that it is and get you baptized when you’re a kid. Of course Mormonism seems true when you spend two years telling people the same. It just doesn’t seem true when following Mormonism as an adult yields a different result than it did as a kid. At first, I didn’t choose to stop believing in Mormonism. At the beginning of my faith crisis, I didn’t choose to stop believing in anything. I simply realized that much of what I believed in previously didn’t exist at all. My God didn’t exist; the Joseph Smith I knew didn’t exist; the Holy Ghost I had communed with daily didn’t exist and frankly, the divinely-led church I believed in was nowhere to be found upon the face of the earth. The Mormon church does exist and the Book of Mormon does exist. The church does have so-called prophets and apostles today and there was a guy named Joseph Smith who was ironically more prophetic (albeit erroneously) than most of his successors. But none of these things are what they seemed to be. After a while I realized that the vast majority of what I believed in before didn’t exist. That is when I stopped trying to believe.

The difference between post-Mormons and believing Mormons is not necessarily a difference in knowledge (it can be, but not always). A true believing Mormon will (almost invariably) defend the church, its doctrine and history without hesitation. Post-Mormons don’t have the energy or motivation to do so. Once your kid figures out that Mommy and Daddy are really Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, what’s the point of continuing to lie to your kid?

Mormon Leaks

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: general conference season. I used to look forward to it with anxious anticipation. I would listen faithfully to every session and carefully document my thoughts and feelings as I heard the word of the Lord from his mouthpiece(s). Not anymore. This conference weekend I went to the movies, called my sister, worked (at another church) and played my piano. I even took a nice drive to another city an hour away to play another piano just for fun. Thanks to the internet I could get the tl;dr of conference without making a 10-hour investment. I don’t think I actually missed anything by not watching the latest general conference of the Mormon church. The really interesting thing that happened this week was the latest from Mormon Leaks, the new website that is poking the proverbial bear that is the church’s corporate office in Salt Lake City.

So what was revealed this weekend? I encourage you to read the documents yourself but the short version is that the church no longer operates by inspiration and revelation. The church is no longer growing. The Book of Mormon is not history but a story to teach Mormons about spiritual stuff. Missionary service isn’t about growing the church (since growth has been in decline for a while now) but is really about retaining young people. I wish the information in the leaks came as a surprise, but when I think about it, I can see a clear picture of old white men trying to maintain the status quo and convince themselves that God’s work is moving forward, just in a different way. For a few years now, the god of Mormonism hasn’t seemed that impressive to me. But he sure knows how to manage money.

When I believed in Mormonism, there were visions and revelations. Every choice in the church came to divine mandate and as such had divine backing. Now, the church relies on focus groups and market research. It’s good they are following the numbers since the numbers tell us that all is not well in Zion. The church I work at now is very different from the Mormons. My church has full financial transparency and a real, commitment to outreach and service without guile. It’s the most Christian organization I’ve ever been a part of. I’ll never believe in Mormonism again. But if I was going to be a Christian, my place of work would be a great place to follow Christ. Why haven’t the focus groups been able to figure out how to be more like Jesus? Maybe it’s because Jesus never really cared about money.