Some Things Are Sacred

I usually spend most of my word count talking about Mormonism and how it has complicated my life. This post is different. Today’s topic is food. Everybody needs it and the agribusiness sector has done a great job of feeding the world with the tastes we crave at prices almost anyone can afford. What the corporations discount (quite literally), however, are the hidden costs to eating animals and their byproducts. Raising cattle and poultry accounts for more than half of greenhouse emissions worldwide. I had a vague awareness of this issue for a few years now but only recently did it really hit me. I recently watched Kip Andersen’s documentary, What the Health, and it hit me pretty hard. Overnight, my wife and I both considered cutting way back on our consumption of animal products. After watching another of his documentaries, Cowspiracy, we could no longer in good conscience consume meat or dairy products.

As we’ve shared our intentions with friends and family, they have reacted in a variety of ways, mostly positive and supportive. The common theme is their acknowledgment that leaving behind favorite foods we’ve enjoyed for decades is a really big change. If you told me when we got married seven years ago that we would celebrate our seventh anniversary raising four children in a mixed faith household as vegans, I could have called BS. But here we are. Some things are sacred. I’ve spend the last three years searching for meaning, mourning my lost spirituality and debating whether any of my decisions as an adult were valid. Finally, my wife and I both have rediscovered something in common besides our four wonderful, crazy kids: food. You might say that food is in large part what brought us together. One of our first dates (and perhaps the most memorable) was spent cooking together. That date made me think a lot about what our life together might look like. Most of our time together before we married involved food. And almost all of our dates for the last seven years have involved food as well. Although we disagree (amicably) about religion, we can agree that some things are sacred: family, marriage, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Making the change has given us both something to be excited about together and we already feel healthier and happier. Becoming vegan hasn’t been easy. But I can tell you for sure that it’s worth it. For the sake of ourselves, our children and this good earth, I’m sure it’s worth it to stop mistreating (and eating) animals.

Dexter Mormonism

I recently got hooked to this show called Dexter. You may have heard of it. Long story short, a forensic tech spends his spare time chopping up bad guys, doing his best to conceal the truth about what makes him tick. The whole time he is like an outsider on the inside of the police department, helping solve crimes using methods both legitimate and otherwise. While I’m not a killer, I related to Dexter. I recently took a break from attending church for almost 6 months while I spend my time working for another church. On the one hand, I was relieved to take a break from a church that has disappointed me in so many ways. On the other hand, I had to live knowing that my wife and kids continued to attend without me and she got to explain to everybody why I wasn’t there. It’s hard to take a sabbatical (no pun intended) from Mormonism. They are always watching, looking for lost souls to increase the numbers and bring in more dollars from Salt Lake. Fortunately, I was able to present my case in such a way that those who really cared would leave me alone until I couldn’t avoid coming back to church again. But getting back to Dexter. Like him, I feel stuck hiding my apostasy from almost everyone around me. A select few know a thing or two about my lack of faith, but few know the whole story or understand it. In their defense, it’s hard to understand something like that if you haven’t gone through it yourself. Like Dexter, I long to stop hiding, to be completely open about what I think and feel. On my first Sunday back in the church, I thought about sharing my testimony and actually coming clean about my disaffection. But after hearing a few testimonies, I knew that I wasn’t one of them. I knew that they didn’t deserve to know my deepest, darkest secret. On the other hand, is it much of a secret when I come to church wearing a shirt that isn’t white with no tie, smelling of coffee? Still, I don’t trust folks at church to really care or understand it. Call me cynical, but I know a thing or two about Mormons. And I’m not interested in the home teachers coming to my house to try and “rescue” me or pretend like they’re my friend. I’m afraid that most of my friends would keep their distance if they knew the truth about me. And unfortunately my wife is part of that group that wonders if I’m a monster since I’ve rejected the light and truth of Mormonism

I do want out. I want to resign my membership. And one day, I will. But right now it would be social suicide to do so, not just for me, but for my wife as well. I wish she could truly appreciate that giving up on Mormonism wasn’t so much a choice as a circumstance thrust upon me because I can’t unlearn what I’ve learned about the church. Just like Dexter, I’m stuck wishing I could be in a relationship where I can be myself 100% and not be afraid. I’m not just afraid for myself, but for my kids, too. Like Dexter, I’m a father. And I want to be sure that my actions help my kids and not hurt them. This Father’s day, I’m not sure if keeping my mouth shut about Mormonism while mommy is allowed to force them to go to church and teach them whatever the church tells her to is what’s best for them. Do they deserve that? Maybe Boyd Packer was right: “The truth is not uplifting…the truth destroys”. It almost destroyed Dexter and everyone he loved. Can the truth destroy me and my family if I keep it hidden? I think we both know that it won’t stay hidden for long. Recently my wife and I discussed the possibility of splitting up because we married each other to keep each other in the church and now nobody’s getting what they want. Divorce has been on the radar for more than a little while for a number of reasons, but this may have been the first real discussion. Sometimes I feel sure that I want out of my marriage. Other times, I feel like it’s worth saving. I’m afraid of what might happen to my relationship with the kids if we split. But I’m also afraid of what might happen if we stay together. I don’t want to waste any time on a lost cause, but I’m just not ready to make a decision. I can only hope that circumstances allow me to make the decision on my own time instead of being forced into making up my mind before I’m ready.