How Firm What Foundation?

It’s been a few weeks now since my resignation went through. It’s been a relief to not have to make excuses for the church I used to belong to. On the other hand it’s never been more apparent to me that I need some guiding principles. I feel like a ship out at sea with plenty of wind and sail but more than one destination that might tickle my fancy and no clear process to chart my course. I have sat down lots of times to write down my hopes and dreams but somewhere between start and finish my conviction falls short of magically making those hopes and dreams come to fruition. The irony is that as a believing Mormon I tried every day to let my feelings guide me through a holy spirit. Now I only do what I feel like. But often I don’t feel like pursuing what I wrote down. And part of me doesn’t even care. If I don’t want to do it then why should I force myself to do it?

The other thing I’ve realized as a post-Mormon is that I am scared to death of wasting time. I cared about time when I believed, but now that I know I’m not going to get my own planet when I’m dead, it seems I’m afraid of missing out with what little time I’ve got. At the end of the day, I always accomplish what needs to be done. I have a certain level of acceptance for not having done more but I spend a lot of time wondering if I did enough. But after almost four years of not having the invisible man in the sky around, you’d think I would be able to trust myself to get it right. While I don’t miss the disappointment when religion let me down, I do miss having the satisfaction of canned answers with their consistently canned results. God, it’s hard. Hard to do God’s job and mine. I have a feeling that if he ever wants his job back, I will have already filled the position.

RIP, Tom. The Church IS True. Well, Kinda. Not Really, Though.

I learned this morning that Thomas Monson, who was the president of the Mormon church for 10 years, finally passed away. I am glad that his heartbreaking battle with dementia is over. While many will miss him, his cheerful persona has been absent for more than a year now. Tom Monson makes me think about what makes Mormonism good- or even true, depending on how you think about it. To illustrate my point, consider this: Dave Bednar recently told a group of Mormon priesthood leaders that the church is true because people keep showing up week after week and year after year. And to a certain degree I agree with him. It’s the why of these people showing up that is really worth consideration. For many people, practicing Mormonism brings peace and joy to their lives. This is the “fruit” of Mormonism that makes it true for them to at least some degree. Other people show up out of obligation. Others find the truth claims and their own spiritual experiences so compelling that they feel a divine call to continue in the Mormon faith. For most believing Mormons, I think, they maintain activity in the Mormon church for a variety of the previously listed reasons. What Mormonism makes them feel is certainly real. What Mormonism offers them in this life isn’t make-believe. So to a certain extent the Mormon church is true: following its tenets brings peace and joy to some people. Let’s get back to Tom Monson for a second. He was the kind of guy who believed firmly in the importance of ministering to individuals. He cared about the lonely and neglected people under his stewardship. And he faithfully ministered to them for a number of years. Tom Monson is not one of a kind; there are others like him that make Mormonism, to a certain degree, true and efficacious in their own lives and in the lives of those they bless through their dedication, love, and service. But that doesn’t mean that everyone gets that wonderful experience in the church. One’s experience with Mormonism depends on a variety of factors like geography, gender, race, whether you are perceived as a good Mormon or not, and it depends a lot on who you attend church with. I firmly believe that in the way I’ve described, the church is truer in some places than in others. This is in spite of the same lessons and rites being administered worldwide. Which brings me to another point: the truth claims of the church are without merit. This is not to diminish the fact that people pray about Mormonism and feel good about it; I’ve been there and done that. But even the church itself admits that the restoration narrative is riddled with problems and that the Book of Mormon is not an historical record. They admit that Mormon prophets are fallible but never tell us how to be sure when a prophet is getting it right or wrong. So on the other hand the church is not true in the sense of telling a true story.

To summarize, the feel-good experience of experiencing fulfillment and joy in Mormonism can be experienced sometimes. This is the truest part of the Mormon experience. If you’re lucky. The factual truth-centered part of Mormonism isn’t very true at all. To a degree, Mormons are expected to make the church true throughout their personal experiences with it. This merits an explanation. My own father told me that I had delved too deep into Mormon history and that’s why I stopped believing. Furthermore, he was convinced that the recipe for maintaining a firm belief in Mormonism was to do as you’re told and avoid critical sources. In this way some members are able to use mental gymnastics and blind obedience to make the fact-based part of believing in the church true for them. These exercises in religious fealty also help to shape one’s feel-good experience in the church. At the height of my religious conviction, I successfully turned my missionary prison experience (the Missionary Training Center or MTC) into a positive memory, nevermind the fact that I was constantly monitored and ordered around like an inmate. What’s the difference between the MTC and prison? Your family can visit you in prison.

I’m probably just rambling now. But I want to say to all the world, that I know that Mormonism is true for some people, sometimes. For some people it’s true all the time. For me, it is rarely true. But just last night a local church leader helped my family in a time of need by bringing over some space heaters when our heater broke and Walmart was sold out. That was really nice. But that doesn’t mean the Book of Abraham is true. And it certainly doesn’t change the fact that for the last couple years the prophet-president of the Mormon church was a just a demented vegetable who used to be a pretty decent dude with some funny anecdotes. So last night the church was a little true for me. Today, the church is about to get less true with Dr. Russell Nelson at the head. And when he dies it will get it worse. He will be replaced by a blood-sucking lawyer who hates gay people. And then it will get even worse when he is replaced by another blood-sucker who hates gay people even more. That’s when Mormonism will hardly be true at all.