10 Years a TBM – Final Fantasy X And My First Reality

As long as I can remember, I have enjoyed playing video games. In the early 90s, my first video game was the original Super Mario Brothers. Another childhood favorite was Megaman. And that, folks, is how I got the name Retrogamerdave. Before I ever had a testimony, I played video games as much as I could. Once I found my testimony, I played video games even more. The reason for that is probably that I finally got a computer of my own (which was definitely a blessing of prosperity for my faithfulness). But my gaming habits began to change once I started to prepare for a mission. I knew that I couldn’t play for two years solid, so I began to wean myself off. But the last thing I did before being set apart as a missionary was play Super Mario Brothers for the last time. During my mission, I would sometimes (ie, often) think about what I would do when I got back. It is no surprise that living in the “real world” as a missionary led me to place less and less importance on leisure and especially video games. I played occasionally after my mission, but it just didn’t have the same appeal as it used to. My logic for explaining my sudden disinterest was that as an adult it just wasn’t important anymore. It was just a waste of time to play video games. It didn’t help that more than one church leader while I was growing up criticized the overuse of video games. Some leaders made it sound like it was bad to play them at all. Obviously none of them knew the pleasure of beating Dr. Wily for the gazillionth time. None of them could knew how it felt to discover the truth about Cloud Strife and his past with Sephiroth, Tifa and Zack. None of them new anything about video games, yet they were apparently qualified to lecture on the subject.

My favorite thing about video games is that they allow the human mind to experience a fantasy world. While video games often depict a world that is incompatible with reality, the characters, music and emotions are real. While many adults I know who never experienced video games as a youngster view film and books as superior media for finding fantasy, video games are unique in the sense that you get to inject a little bit of yourself into that fantasy. And sometimes you get sucked in deeply enough that you have to remind yourself that it’s just a game. Dr. Robotnik hasn’t really captured all the animals and, unfortunately, you can’t save or load your game at will.

Oddly enough, several months after I began to doubt my testimony, I wanted to play video games again. Pretty soon I was spending an hour or two a day reliving the glory days of my gaming career. Although I am definitely more choosy about my games now (and I was pretty choosy ten years ago) I enjoy getting sucked into a fantasy world just like I used to. I keep asking myself why I stopped playing video games in the first place. I think getting married had a lot to do with it. It’s safe to say that I had very little besides romance on my mind for the first year of marriage. Then the kids came along and I had already fallen out of the habit so it seemed like there was no time for playing any games besides peekaboo and pat-a-cake.

The irony is that for the ten years that my testimony lasted, I lived in a fantasy world. It was a world with infallible prophets, hidden scriptures and magic rituals with the power to save the world from certain destruction. I finally understood the irony when I started playing Final Fantasy X a few months ago. I first encountered the game ten years ago as a TBM and inwardly scoffed at the people of Spira who lived in fear of transgressing the teachings of Yevon that were meant to keep them safe in a world threatened at every moment by Sin. In particular, I laughed at Wakka, the zealot who couldn’t look at a forbidden machine without fearing Yevon’s wrath. And now I come to find out that Yu Yevon was just a little parasite who created an ideology to serve his own interests. But he had convinced himself that it was for the good of the people and look at all the problems it caused! It’s obvious to me now that the story was designed to challenge the player to reject false ideologies. But ten years ago I was just as blind as Wakka. As I play that game now, I admire the Al-Bhed for daring to defy Yevon. I respect Yuna and the Ronso for clinging to the good while abandoning the false parts of their religion. Sometimes I feel like Tidus. I definitely don’t feel like a hero or anything, but like him, I have gone through the process of first resenting the reality of now, then eventually accepting it and ultimately embracing it. Maybe the old TBM me was part of a dream, just like Tidus. Maybe my old world of believing Mormonism never really existed. Regardless of the past, it all begins here. This is it. This is my story.

Churchiness Never Was Happiness

When I moved for dental school, I hoped that I could have a good experience at church. I quickly learned that although there were lots of other students in my ward, the ward itself was rather dysfunctional, which didn’t help the fact that I didn’t have much of a testimony. Several months, later, Salt Lake decided it was time to rearrange the ward boundaries within our stake and I got dumped in a new ward. My new congregation was much better than the old one. But after a few months of attending, I figured out that it didn’t seem to matter which congregation I attended with. I would rather be sitting in a dental school lecture than to attend church. The biggest part of the problem is that I spend most of my time at church chasing my kids. I spend most of my time at home chasing my kids, too, but it is much easier when I don’t have to tell them to shut up and listen to the wonderful messages. It will be several months before I can send my youngest child to the nursery, so I am trying to figure out how to survive church until that time comes. There was a time when I legitimately felt uplifted by every hour of Sunday meetings. I, like the prophet-general Mormon, press forward without faith that things will change.

In Mormonism (and I suspect in other Christian-type traditions), adherents perceive that churchiness leads to godliness. What are some examples of churchiness? I’ll give you a few: attending church meetings, reading religious books, praying, fasting, talking about churchy subjects, converting outsiders to your faith, etc. I think that doing good unto others might belong in this list, but it is sometimes not as visible or inherently churchy as other activities. The truth is, that in my life, attending church, reading scriptures/religious books and praying do not actually help me become the sort of person I would like to become. Maybe that means that I have no interest in becoming a godly person. The more likely scenario is that godliness can be attained by a more direct method: doing good to others, working to overcome personal weaknesses and seeking to right public wrongs like poverty and discrimination. I don’t remember Jesus making a big deal of spending endless hours in church meetings. I don’t remember him saying you need to read the scriptures constantly. I think he suggested that it was worth knowing what the scriptures say, but it’s not like you need to read them every day for an hour. What did Jesus say? Love your neighbor. Forgive your enemies. Do unto others are you would have them to unto you. I’m sure I’m leaving some important stuff out, but the point is that churchiness is the signature of the Pharisees. It doesn’t make me happy and they didn’t seem to be terribly cheerful either. And when I see everyone at church playing games on their phones during the lessons, I suspect that they don’t enjoy church any more than I do.

The Light of Christ

Mormons don’t seem to be alone in their belief that every human being has some sort of innate goodness within their soul. In the church we call it the Light of Christ. I don’t know what anybody else calls it, but I think we can all think of someone we have met or interacted with who just radiated sunshine and happiness. You’re probably thinking of someone like that right now. It makes me think of my baby sister. Other people who come to mind are Julie Andrews and Pope Francis.

So if we examine these shining, radiant individuals, what do they have in common? Can we prove that the Light of Christ is the source of the radiation? A contemporary study featured in Psychology Today in 2012 produced evidence that Mormons do, in fact have a certain glow about them that can be detected by Mormons and non-Mormons alike (although Mormons were better at detecting it). So was it the Light of Christ? The most scientific explanation is that Mormons have healthy skin because they live the Word of Wisdom. The brain detects the subtle differences in skin tones and it seems that Mormons are particularly “white and delightsome”. So maybe it is worth it to abstain from alcohol, coffee, tea and tobacco. That is, if you believe that the Light of Christ is only skin deep.

I believe there is such a thing as what Mormons call the Light of Christ. I don’t believe that Mormonism has a monopoly on it. Although some of the most Christ-like people I have known are Mormons, the fact is that at least half of the people I know are Mormons. On the other hand, many of the best Christians I know are from other faiths and some of them have no faith at all. So does the shining goodness observed in mankind come from Jesus? I’m not sure. It’s possible. More than what you believe or how many hours you spend praying or reading the scriptures, I think this mystical light comes from being happy and well-adjusted. I think I would like to have more of that light in my life, regardless of where it comes from. If I can get it from Jesus and his teachings then that’s great! If I can get it from watching Schindler’s List, then that is great, too. So while I don’t think that all light comes directly from Jesus, I’ll take all the light I can get.